Dennis’s Story

I had been suffering long and hard with deeply rooted issues that have recently come to the point of unmanageability. Many of which I didn’t even realize I was still carrying around all this time.

A few months ago I had learned of the devastating news about a former Marine I once knew who had finally succeeded in committing suicide after several failed attempts. The news of Henry’s death washed over me with such tremendous grief and being a part of a veteran’s outreach ministry at our church I felt angry at myself and the world. I was angry because we as a ministry were obviously not doing enough for our vets (so I thought) and angry about the evil that seemingly lurks around every corner in this world. The walls around me were quickly closing in and I found myself curled up in a ball both spiritually and emotionally.

So I decided to channel my anger and do something about it by searching the web for helpful links and info so that I may help spread the word to our veterans by leading them to the same hope that had once brought light to my dark world. That hope being Jesus Christ. Ironically, in my attempt to find help for others, I wound up finding help for myself as I stumbled upon the Also-Me website. Here is where I became more aware of my own depression and the cleverness of my pride that had fooled me into believing that everything was fine in my life. So I quickly began to scour your site for ways that I could find some much needed help for myself.

The Also-Me site led me to finding information about a local Christian Counseling service in my area. Yes! That seemed like great news! But being a recovering alcoholic (with 4 years of sobriety) I was quickly reminded of my days in AA where in order to take that first hard step, I had to drop my pride and admit to myself that I had a problem. My pride can be a clever thing sometimes. It convinced me to just “suck it up” and skip the counseling. So, I did. But the inner turmoil and grief raging inside me proved to be too much for this “old Marine” to handle. I knew that I needed help and the battle was on to take that first difficult step in one of the most important decisions of my life.

Being a retired Marine I was surprisingly too afraid and too ashamed to call the counseling center at first. So instead I decided to send them an e-mail. It read something like this “Hey, I think I need help. Is there a form or something I need to fill out?” That’s it! Man, I tell you truthfully if not for the grace of God to intercede on my behalf I don’t know if I would ever have gotten any help. At least not with crazy one liner’s like that.

However, where I was weak He was strong enough for both of us. I did manage to leave my phone number and the Christian Counselor called me back. After a while of playing phone tag, I finally ended up in the counselor’s office. After one session, just one single session, I had opened up to another human being in a way that I have never done before. Not even to my wife of 21 years! The Holy Spirit definitely had His hand on me during this time as He gently led and guided me through my first session. [Thank you LORD!]

Being able to lay my burdens down and leaving them at the foot of the cross I have learned that I am very impatient, short tempered, way too hard on myself, and have been suffering with PTSD issues [Post Traumatic Stress Disorder]! I thought that was very strange since I have never been to combat. But what I failed to realize was that for quite some time now I have been suppressing 2 major incidences that had occurred during my life of 39 years.

The first being when I was about 9 years old and walking in on my dad who was literally using my mom as a punching bag right in front of my tiny little eyes. Fast forward a few decades and I was drinking heavily [15-20 beers a night] to suppress the emotions that I had as I performed my duties as the Marine in charge of providing Funeral Honors for young men (boys) who were KIA in Iraq. During this period I carried countless coffins and folded dozens of flags in honor of these young men. In addition, I was tasked with the daunting responsibility of making face to face notifications to the deceased’s widows and parents. After each notification or funeral I would often find myself drunk, angry, and alone as I sat in my living room holding a beer and the picture of a dead Marine. “Why him and not me!!” I would often cry out each time. Two weeks ago my counselor identified this as “survivors guilt”. I called it my worst nightmare.

Today however, I sing a new song and things are going well. Things are not perfect and they never will be this side of eternity but I am ok with that. Today, through counseling and constant prayer I have regained hope and live by the mantra “Now is not forever”. Which reminds me of the bible verses found in Revelation 21:1-5 and provides me with the much needed strength that can be found in God’s word. Each time the going gets tough I simply say to myself “now is not forever” there will be a day when there are no more tears, pain, suffering, or depression. That is God’s promise to us all. Now that’s real hope to latch on to!

I firmly believe that had I not come across the Also-Me website, I would have easily gone down the same road of hopelessness as Henry.

Finally, I hope and pray that anyone who is on the fence about seeking help/counseling may find the strength to do so immediately. Do not wait another second! I encourage everyone to find out who God really is and to not be afraid to call upon His name. Trust me, He will run to you and He will definitely fight for you! If He can take a tattooed, alcoholic, hot mess of a hopeless human being like me and turn him into a loving husband, father, brother, friend, and ultra marathoner I know that He can restore your life as well. I am still tattooed by the way!! :)

God Bless,
Dennis

If you have an experience you would like to share please click here and send it to us.